Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by myloxylotos
Summary: One shot from Life In Technicolor


My phone rang, reminding me Emma and Linda would be here an hour to see if I was able to take care of her. I paced around the living room and kitchen. My ankle made a cracking sound everytime I moved. It's been doing that since the motorcylcle accident. I leaned over the sink and splashed water in my face, telling myself to get it together.

My entire body shook out of control, yet contained. I blamed it on the temperature of my living room. "Why is it so damn cold in here?" I mumbled angrily to myself as I walked over to the thermostat. _80 Degrees_. I huffed and began to walk back to the couch where I was awaiting my wife, but then walked back to the thermostat. "This thing must be broken." I said as I paced. My arms shook, my fingers that curled amongst each other shook, my face shook, and even my stomach felt like it literally flipped. I felt entirely too vulnerable in my empty house. The tv could fall off the coffee table and onto the other coffee table that occasionally did hold coffee. My favorite coffee mug would be ruined.

So I moved it.

What if Emma sat on the couch and it collapsed? She is not a heavy person by far, and I knew this idea was completely impossible, the couch was only three years old, but I tested it anyway. I couldn't stop thinking of the terror, lack of trust, and disappointment that would ensue if it _did_ collapse.

While jumping on the couch to insure its safety, I wondered something. _Is this how Emma felt when I first met her? The first time I went over her house, was she doing these types of things for hours?_ My heart broke at the thought, and I knew I couldn't wait any longer.

I drove down the road of our suburb far too fast for the speed limit. When I got into the city I slowed down, as my anxiety was calmed by being closer to her. I hadn't been there often, but I drove there everyday, hoping I could work up the courage to see her. I chuckled sardonically at how afraid I was to see _my wife_. She always told me to visit her more often, and I don't know why I didn't. She told me once that everyday she would wait for me, and when five o'clock hit and I didn't come, she would skip dinner to cry herself to sleep. Guilt washed over me every time those words replayed in my head and even more so now, that she will complete her term in two weeks. How could I have done that to my wife, the love of my life? I should have visited her everyday.

_I need a drink,_ I said to myself lowly. Even I was ashamed of the habits I picked up without her. When I pulled up to the building I checked in with the lady at the front office and another assistant led me to where Emma was.

"Will!" She was so excited to see me, she jumped into my arms and wrapped hers around my neck. "I'm so glad you're here!" She held my face and kissed all over it, giggling before pulling away with a seriousness that almost pushed me into the wall behind me. "I missed you so much." I didn't speak as I held her in my arms and she hid herself from the rest of the world, choosing to inhale my scent that had been long forgotten over months of barely any physical contact. "I was about to get lunch. Are you hungry?"

"As a horse." I let her drag me to the area where they served a buffet of sorts and let her fill my plate with what she said was good.

"The pie is to die for." She said as we finished the main course and went onto dessert. "Here, try the whipped cream." She scooped some up with her finger and held it out to me. "You'll swear you've died and gone to heaven."

I took the cream from her finger, so I could suck intently and gaze into her eyes, hopefully reminding her of the way I loved her, and the way I always would. Something I tasted took all the lust out of my eyes. "Emma...Did I taste hand sanitizer on your finger?" She was supposed to be less afraid of germs than when she entered. I remember times when she would care for our children getting messy with paint and food.

"Oh yeah, that's just...It's dirty sometimes and they don't have any cleaning supplies..." Emma stuttered on her words as if she got caught doing something terrible and I felt my face become hot with anger as I left the table, hearing the chair fall to the floor and Emma begging me to come back.

I walked around the facility aimlessly in a red fury until finding a room labeled "_Admin_". I busted through the door to find four people in the room, talking about something. "You're in charge of this place?" I asked as I placed my hands on the desk and peered over a man in his late 30's with glasses, acne and three chins.

"Actually, I am." A man behind me said and I turned around quickly. "Is there an issue you're experiencing with us?"

"Yeah." I walked over to him and placed my hands on the arms of his chair. His face was fearful for a second before he covered it with degrading amusement. "You know a woman named Emma Schuester?"

"Not personally, but yes." He adjusted his glasses and looked down at a portfolio in his lap for a second.

"She's my wife." I stated dryly, and almost spit on his glasses by pure accident.

"Congratulations! I've heard she's a lovely gal." At this sarcastic comment, i had enough. I picked him up by the lapels of his jacket and slammed him against the wall. The two other people in the room gasped and moved toward me, but the man at the desk thought he could sue me for more if I did something to his man.

My words squeezed from my mouth as I gritted my teeth "I'm paying your facilities way too much money to take care of her and cater her needs, for her needs not to be met." I pushed him further against the wall. "I 'fixed' her better than you guys and I didn't know what I was doing."

"Then maybe you should do it." He replied calmly and I dropped him to his seat. I stared at him for a long while before finally deciding to stop going against my instincts and punched him between the eyes. I heard his glasses break and I felt plastic in my knuckles before walking out to find Emma just behind the door.

"Come on, we're leaving." I took her back to her room and started packing her stuff as she stood at the other side of the room, watching me with fearful eyes.

"But, Will, I'll be finished in a few weeks." She walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I resisted from shaking it off, still off a high from what happened inside the Admin office.

I turned around to her and looked her in the eyes as I spoke. "I don't care." I walked to her dresser to get the rest of her things. "We're going now." When I finished packing I gave her her purse and she held it tentatively and looked into my eyes fearfully.

I left the building and pulled Emma forcefully behind me. The air was dusty as if someone had just driven by at a fast speed. The building was on a dirt road, hidden in the back roads of a small town off of downtown. That should have been a notification of the corruptness that would ensue inside.

"Will! Let go!" She writhed behind me, trying to wriggle from my grasp or make me let go. "You're hurting me!" She used her other hand to push against mine, even though her purse was hitting against my abdomen and her hips. I softened my grip on her without giving her any chance of becoming free.

I pulled my phone from my pocket, letting her bags slip down my forearm to the crook of my elbow and dialed my brothers number as an emergency call because I was in too much of a rush to unlock my phone. "Dan, I need you to drop the kids off at the house. We'll be there soon."

"Why are the kids at your brother's?!" Emma yelled at me over the sound of wind picking up and blowing across the trees, making her hair cover her eyes and seep into the corner of her mouth. She whipped her head to the other side and moved hair from her eyes but only until she turned back to me. "Will!" She yelled again, because I would not tell her anything.

"Get in the car." I almost shoved her in the back seat and plopped myself in the drivers seat. I turned around to back out from the parking lot and was the slightest bit glad that she was putting on her seat belt and looked down at her lap. She didn't say anything during the entire drive, but I heard the way her breathing hitched and released in a deep breath when she started to say something but decided against it. I made no move for conversation, or even something to cover up the awkwardness and tension of what just happened. It was the first feeling I experienced since my accident and even though it wasn't pleasant, it was _something._

We got home in 45 minutes or an hour and Dan was talking to the kids in the living room. "Thanks Daniel." I made my existence known by slamming the door and telling him to get out in a gentle way he could see under.

"Will, I don't know," He stood near me with his chest touching mine, whispering in my ear.

"Leave." I gritted the word through my teeth and slapped my hand on his shoulder, pushing him towards the door. When the door slammed behind him the kids looked up towards me, and I knew they couldn't recognize me. "Let's all play together!" I clapped my hands together when I spoke and walked towards them, but they backed away in the slightest way.

"Come on!" I picked up Anthony's favorite red truck and rolled it across the floor. He timidly kicked it toward me with his foot and it flipped on its side. I looked at him and he started crying, afraid I would yell at him.

Instead, I moved to my daughter. "Kaylee, let's play Barbies!" She shook her head no and I picked up Ken and Barbie. "Oh Ken, I love you so much!" I spoke as Barbie and looked at Kaylee expectantly but she only nodded her head in disapproval.

"Daddy! Barbie is in love with Tom!" She pointed to another male barbie on the floor.

"Why is he naked!?" I stood up quickly and threw the Barbies on the floor. Emma took my arms in her hands and pulled me away as I followed without a fight.

"Will...you have to leave." Her face was soft and sad, like the main female character in a 1920's movie when the main male admits his love.

"You're kicking me out of my own house!?" I didn't yell at her, but my voice rose in pitch and I ran my hand through my hair.

"When it concerns the mental health of my children, yes." She started to push me towards the door. "Please don't make this harder on me than it already is. I never pictured kicking my husband out of the house he built for us, but I can't stand to have you here any longer." We reached the door and my hand started to turn the doorknob when she stopped me. "I want you to come back when you calm down."

She turned me around and looked into my eyes. "Please come back soon." She kissed the corner of my mouth and walked back to the living room, wiping tears from her eyes. I could hear her voice as it flounced with fauxed happiness and she got the kids to settle watching a tv show before I finally left.

When I drove around, I thought about going to a drug store, getting some medicine and finding a bar but as soon as the thought entered my head I involuntary hit my head against the steering wheel and pulled over. _I'm a horrible father._ I repeated to myself until tears started to cascade down my cheeks, and I knew I could never become what I was in those months following the loss of my baby. It was really hard on Emma too. _And look what you did._ I fought with myself over my actions, and unless a cop tapped on my window after the sun faded, I would have stayed there all night.

"Sir, you're gonna have to go home or go to the station and spend a night in jail." He could see the pain and suffering in my eyes, even the abuse I had recently put my body through, and I could hear the accent in his voice, telling me he was serious.

"Of course, sir. I'm sorry." I turned the car on and turned around to back up. "Have a nice night." He bid the same to me and I drove down the freeway until I entered the driveway of my house. The lights near the front door told me the time was at least 9, and the kids would be in bed, and Emma probably would be too. I walked through the dark house in my socks, taking my shoes off at the door and joining them with the rest, and up the stairs. I peeked my head into both the kids rooms before making the journey to my bedroom, cracking the door open slowly.

Emma was with her back to me, but her whisper of my name was unmistakeable in the silent room. "Will," She didn't have to ask, because we had a security system with a passcode that only Emma and I knew, and she always turned it on when the kids started brushing their teeth.

"Emma," I said her name breathlessly and walked inside slowly. "I'm so, _so_ sorry." She turned around and the look she gave me made me feel as if my heart broke in my chest. "Honey, I'm-"

"I know. I know, Will. You're sorry." Her voice broke and I could hear the tears as she turned herself away from me. "We're all sorry."

"Emma..." I whispered her name slowly, and placed my hand on her nightgown clad hip.

"Will..." She responded in a deep breath and turned to me. "Don't," She said, yet she didn't resist when I trailed my hand up her arm and down her body to her hand. My hand intertwined with her own, and we both stared, as if our fingers have never moved across the others gently, and we slowly looked into each others eyes. Emma wordlessly reached the hem of my gray v-neck and I allowed her to pull it over my head. She looked at my chest, as if she could see the heartache it suffered and placed her hand over it.

"Don't-"

"It's okay...I love you." She told me before kissing my heart, and then moving her hands around my shoulder to my neck and pulling me close for a kiss. My hands fell on her hips and I bunched her night gown in my hands and she pulled away, allowing me to slip it off her, leaving her only in her panties. My breath hitched, product of not seeing her in this way, or even having the energy to picture her in this way since all that time ago.

We stared at each other, lost and kissed meaninglessly before embracing in a hug. I picked her up and carried her to the bed slowly, with my hand under her breast and hers around my neck, and I never felt more complete in my entire life. She hid her head in the crook of my neck while I carried her, and her body rose in anticipation as I lay her down, and leaned over to give her a kiss.

We kissed slowly, enjoying being in the presence of the other, and exploring each other again. She removed my pants at one point, and I only realized when she broke away to push them down the rest of my legs. I shook them off and flipped us over to put her on top of me, loving the feeling of her breasts so molded in with my chest and the warmth of her stomach against my own.

My tongue played with hers lovingly, and I slipped her panties down her hips. She gasped, and I chuckled into the skin of her neck where I was actively placing hickeys. She threaded her fingers through my curls again, and pulled them back. I groaned against her neck and she giggled. I snuck my hand through the bottom of her hair and pulled back in return. She moaned and thrusted her hips into mine while running her nails down and up my back. Her nails hurt, but I didn't care. I only held her closer and kissed her neck more feverishly.

She flipped us over again and reached in my boxers to feel my arousal for her, and my hips jumped into her hand without my permission. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth and she looked at me with an innocent look on her face, but I knew it was all a sexy act. "You fucking minx." I whispered in her ear and nibbled on it because I knew that was her weak spot, and she squeezed me in return. I released her and pushed my boxers off, kicking them to some place across the room.

"William..." Emma acted shocked and slid down the bed to rest her head on the pillow instead of against the headboard.

"Mrs. Schuester." I kissed her gently, and full of wanton. I pulled away only to gaze into her expressive eyes, hoping they would tell me she was ready. She nodded and my eyes shut as I slid into her so slowly I could feel every muscle of hers reacting to my size again. "You're so good," I whispered already, because I wanted her to know how much I missed this, and how I never wanted to go so long without her again.

She spoke the words for me as she moaned and started moving her hips too soon before I stopped her. My hands held her hips to the mattress and I pulled out all the way but kept close so she could feel me at her entrance. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too sweetie." I pushed in her again, totally content. "So much." I remained still for a few seconds, before her hips started to writhe against my hands again. She taught me the pace she wanted, and surprisingly it wasn't a quick get off as I expected, but slow love making.

I knew I would remember that day for as long as I lived when I saw the sun rise over her shoulder as we hit our climax again, for a number I could not count.

"We'll have to leave sometime." Emma said in the light of day, sipping orange juice I just ran downstairs in a towel to get her.

"I know." She placed the drink on the nightstand as it was almost empty anyway, and curled into my affectionate hold.

She flipped herself in my arms to look into my eyes. She never cared for spooning, she told me it didn't feel as nice as cuddling face to face. "But not anytime soon, right?"

"Of course not, darling." Before I knew it, the kisses we had peppered on each others necks slowed into passionate confessions of love, and even those died under the influence of sleep. We were only awoken when Kaylee and Anthony jumped on our bed and demanded pancakes. We covered ourselves even more with the blanket that coated the bed, and laughed as our foreheads collided lovingly.


End file.
